A native of
Hong Kong who has been run over by a cement truck
A shrimp
Of the four
words and phrases above, which one does not fit?
The
flounder, of course.
The other three
are all 'crushed asians.'
ow
that you know the answer, you may indulge in smugness
whenever you inflict this
monster on others. Sophisticated:
The Magazine has classified this pun as a Groaner of the Third Kind. Here
is another.
Stimulated by a press interview given by
a notorious participant in an American scandal more
than by reports from Europe on a singular
accomplishment in genetic science, one editorial
advisor suggested a pun for publication using the
'synthetic quote' (SQ) form.,,
"I am ewe."
-- Cloned sheep to its mother.
After recovering from diaphragmatic
paroxysms with the timely assistance of those wonderful
911 people, the Editor-in-Chief was gratified to
obtained a new entry for the groaner collection.
Analysis
Alert
Consider the following infantile
conundrum, recaste as an SQ...
"Because people are just dying to
get in."
-- Jeopardy:
"Why did they put a fence around the graveyard?"
As students of humor
and absurdity, wit and comedy, members of the editorial
staff at Puzzles with a Purpose have long
wondered about why we groan. For the graveyard example,
that "just" in the punch line gives it away. The thing
is a pure example of' literality snuffing the life out
of hyperbole -- what little life there may be. {Definitions}
nflated terms
like 'dying' and 'killing' and 'crazy' have long ago
withered into banality, like helium balloons gone
flabby. Maybe the groan-effect derives from a
counter-posed phenomenon: A puny pun breathing
unwelcome life into a worn-out exaggeration. (What
good are metaphors if you don't mix them?)
As overstatement, many a figure of
speech started out as a silent groaner --
'Groaners of the First Kind,' let's call them.
Distressed by a loud boom-box on
the subway seems to justify saying, "I could just
kill him or her."
"Insanity is hereditary," reads
the bumper sticker. "You get it from your children."
Someone might even name a
television series, "Just Shoot Me." (Naah.)
Finding your fly unzipped
immediately after giving a speech might lead one to
declare, "I could just die."
But listen: Not a sound -- chagrin but no
grin.
Subsequent literalizations ("dying to
get into a graveyard") are mere Groaners of the Second
Kind. Spontaneous anguish inflicted upon listeners is
assured largely because those verbal clinkers are
anything but the wages of creative effort.
Which raises the question, Are Groaners of
the Second Kind really puns at all? They score zero in
the 'play-on-words' game.
Now, the staff at Puzzles with a
Purpose enjoys collecting puns that are creative
and fresh, off-beat and -- well, hyperbolic, some of
them. Each is a Groaner of the
Third Kind, like the one in this puzzle, and
each rewards its telling with slack-jawed grimaces and
primal vocalizations -- in the extreme, respiratory
failure. Such works of art do not deserve the analytic
ministrations of a confirmed nasal retentive.
Nevertheless, the puzzle presented here ("crushed
asians") shall be officially classified as...
Groaner, Third Kind
Creative Play on Words
Item-Out-of-Place
Preferred Delivery: Verbal
Pronunciation: Imprecise English
s for the
categork "Preferred Deliverk," can there ever be ank
other kind than verbal? Kes. This verk paragraph, for
example, was evidentlk produced on a computer suffering
from the exceptionallk scark turn-of-the-centurk bug.
Here are a few groaners for you to
suffer from or classify, your choice.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his
family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the
league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll
never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly
responded, "You'll just have to be a little patient."
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway.)
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a
voyage and found his name missing from the town
register. His wife complained to the local civic
official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side
was cut off? He's all right now.
A native American was feeling sick. After a brief
examination, the medicine man took out a thin strip of
elk hide and instructed him to bite off, chew and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how his
patient was feeling. The fellow and said, "The thong
is ended, but the malady lingers on."
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
An anthropologist was cataloging South American
folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo
who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern
were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When
the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with
fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two
dead raccoons. The stewardess [flight attendent] looks
at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of
Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it
the herd shot 'round the world.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other
stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but
when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving
once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it,
too.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and
nail.
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm
looking for the man who shot my paw."
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He
became a hardened criminal.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend
dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because,"
he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.
She didn't know where the sun went at night, so she
stayed up all night thinking about it. Then it dawned
on her.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
"Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name
him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and
most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh,
and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Police were called to a daycare where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A thief broke into the local police station and
stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was
quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go
on."
Which reminds me: Washington Metropolitan Area
Transit Authority made an exceptionally clever
decision not to provide public restrooms. Uncanny!
ere
are selections from online submittals for your
analysis...
> Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are
in Seine.
> A backward poet writes inverse.
> A man's home is his castle, in a manor of
speaking.
> Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
> Practice safe eating - always use
condiments.
> Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
> A man needs a mistress just to break the
monogamy.
> A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
> Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of
floor play.
> Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
> Condoms should be used on every conceivable
occasion.
> Reading while sunbathing without sunscreen
makes you... well red.
> When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
> A bicycle can't stand on its own because it
is two tired.
> Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like
a banana.
> In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism
your count votes.
> She was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg
but broke it off.
> A chicken crossing the road is poultry in
motion.
> If you don't pay your exorcist, you get
repossessed.
> With her marriage, she got a new name and a
dress.
> When a clock is hungry, it goes back four
seconds.
> The man who fell into an upholstery machine
is fully recovered.
> You get stuck with your debt if you can't
budge it.
> Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN
down under.
> He often broke into song because he
couldn't find the key.
> Every calendar's days are numbered.
> A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours
and it taint mine.
> A boiled egg in the morning is hard to
beat.
> A plateau is a high form of flattery.
> A midget fortuneteller who escapes from
prison is a small medium at large.
> Those who get too big for their britches
will be exposed in the end.
> Once you've seen one shopping center,
you've seen a mall.
> FBI Bakers trade bread recipes on a
knead-to-know basis.
> Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
> Acupuncture is a jab well done.
> He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
> For reasons I need not explain, I intend to
name my first yacht Fanny Hull.
Groaners
selected from on-line submittals since 1997
Dad, are
we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do
you call a pig with laryngitis?
Disgruntled.
Writing my
name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do
bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
If you’re
bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the
price.
Just so
everyone is clear, I’m going to put my
glasses on.
A
commander walks into a bar and orders everyone
around.
I lost my
job as a stage designer. I left without making
a scene.
Never buy
flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent
florist friars.
How much
did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A
buccaneer.
I once
worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I
kneaded the dough.
My friends
and I have named our jazz group "Duvet." It’s
a cover band.
I lost my
girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never
hear the end of it.
Why is
"dark" spelled with a k and not c? Because you
can’t see in the dark.
Why is it
unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Well, time will tell.
When I
told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted
steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Bono and
The Edge walk into a Dublin bar, and the
bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
Prison is
just one word to you, but for some people it’s
a whole sentence.
Scientists
studied the effects of alcohol on a person’s
walk, and the result were
staggering.
I’m trying
to organize a hide and seek tournament, but
good players are really hard to
find.
I got over
my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and
nuts. It was a rocky road.
What do
you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling
with grammar? There, their,
they’re.
I asked
the clerkwhere the Schwarznegger dolls are,
and he replied, "Aisle B,
back.”
What do
surgeons say to patients who insist on closing
up their own incision? Suture
self.
The
benefits of eating dried grapes are all about
raisin awareness.
Twenty-five
groaners received from Al Bongarzone in 2021
hyperbole noun
[Latin, from Greek hyperbole excess,
hyperbole, hyperbola, from hyperballein to
exceed, from hyper- + ballein to
throw--more at devil] (15th century): extravagant
exaggeration (as "mile-high ice-cream cones").
-- Merriam-Webster's Collegiate
Dictionary
Short definition: groaner of the first
kind (1997 S:TM). -- Ed
pun noun
[perhaps from Italian puntiglio fine point,
quibble] (1662): the usually humorous use of a word in
such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings
or the meaning of another word similar in sound.
-- Merriam-Webster's Collegiate
Dictionary
Short definition: play on words (1939
unattested). -- Ed