Paranormal Limericks

by Paul Niquette
Copyright ©1997 Sophisticated:The Magazine. All rights reserved.
The prominent Nose-Surgeon Geller,
Whose treatment became a best-seller,
    With septum undeviated 
    All doubts are alleviated 
That kinesis can straighten one's smeller.

Two musicians from East Santa Monica
Played a single convergent harmonica.
    When bass notes crescendoed 
    As treble descendoed, 
The collision produced catatonica.

Velikovsky's adherents take pride
In past worlds inclined to collide.
    Though not in compliance 
    With canons of science, 
Their proofs mere facts can't provide.

A televised psychic named Rand
Re-taped shows that were already canned. 
    The predictions, she boasted, 
    Which were really past-posted,
Gave cognition a big helping hand.

That cadaverous image priests pray on? 
'Twas a twelfth cent'ry hoaxer's scorched crayon. 
    One tested hypothesis 
    Of what kind of cloth this is 
Proved it might just as well have been Rayon.

Not the nether world soul of a gypsy 
Taking ego maniacal trips! -- see
    Alcoholic acuity, 
    Not ghostly gratuity 
Makes those tables in taverns seem tipsy.

Old Hurkos the psychic detective,

Whose methods were proven defective,
In time each correction
Without resurrection
Used historical mem'ry elective.

Yes, along with your name and address,
Healer Popov knows ev'ry distress.
    Divinations quite grand --
    But by citizens band! 
Now his clout's in some doubt, more or less.

A cantankerous maiden's shy suitor
Built a huge biorhythm computer,
    Which picks safest days, 
    In amplitude, and phase 
Quite specific'ly not to dispute her. 

An uncommonly popular fogey, 
Plies a mentally challenging bogey:
    That meditation transcends 
    Both the means and the ends. 
-- Mahareshi Mahesh Yogi

Will someone in Science please tackle 
How snap-shots by Kirlian shackle
    An electrified finger 
    To auras which linger? 
If not you, then maybe Kodak'll.

Past intergalactic contactors,
While still quite significant factors
    In theories von Daniken, 
    Though off-again on-again, 
Turned out to be modern contractors.

Phrenologist Snerd once was heard
To say a scatology word.
    For he fell out of bed; 
    Now the bumps on his head 
Frame his brain into that of a [deleted]. 

With Moon in the cusp of Aquarius,
A timid yet bold Sagittarius 
    Dared to marry a Pisces;
    That's calm mixed with crises,
And offspring specifically various.

If population numbers allow 
Past lives of all persons of Now
    To be well-to-do --
    When there were so few --
Will someone please explain how!

Was there ever a real flying saucer
Reported by Shakespeare or Chaucer?
    No, and here's why: 
    Strange sights in the sky 
Awaited the first Frisby tosser .

The number of young couch potatoes
Who believe in killer tomatoes
    Would fill the earth's orbit. 
    To help you absorb it, 
That's a six in front of eight 0's .

Facing every known cure for pollution
Is Homeopathy's impure solution.
    In which traits, kind or cruel
    Shapes each molecule, 
Despite multiple rounds of dilution.

Decades of watching our stations
Pump out programs in radio rations
    Make cosmic inquisitors 
    Most unlikely space visitors 
To a world where there's human relations.

Some are doubting astral projection.
Best keep to yourself your rejection.
    It takes manners quite shoddy 
    To deny out-of-body, 
Though it's hard to make the connection.

Once a mouse took a thorn from the paw 
Of a lion by psychical law. 
    Go straight to Manilla, 
    If you have one scintilla 
Of doubt that sticks in your craw.

Avuncular ghosts and stray aunts
Have clout with a medium's cli-ents,
    Who go inside the Loop 
    To get the straight poop, 
And then lead by political seance.

Someone broke levitation's lid-lock
Causing teleportation grid-lock;
    Or else it was due to 
    A transcendent guru 
With perpetual pro quo quid-lock. (Huh?)

Remember how First Lady Nancy,
Who wore gowns never plain always fancy, 
    Shaped her designs 
    By zodiac signs --
Making policy decisions less chancy.

Conservatives join liberals in grousing 
About funding vocations and housing.
    Since the National Debt 
    Makes politicos sweat, 
Look for revenue sources by dowsing.

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