|My father always liked big words. A long time ago
I asked my dad, "What does 'nookie' mean?"
[deep voice] "Consensual intromission." He held up three fingers: [deep voice] "The experience is transitory, the economics are exorbitant, and the position is ridiculous."
It would be years before I figured out what he was talking about. Politics.
I learned something else, too. "Nookie" is fun... To say, I mean. Life is about having fun. Nookie.
The dictionary is embarrassed about "nookie." Says it's vulgar. Oh, right: "Nookie" started out as slang. Meant "woman." Nothing vulgar about that. Means something else now. "Nookie" means... you know.
The modern word for woman is "chick." "Chick" is fun to say. "Nookie" is more fun, though. It's the fun word.
There's not enough fun in the world. We all have to do our part. Nookie.
Oxymorons are fun: "jumbo shrimp," "government worker," "military intelligence"... Here's my favorite oxymoron: "bad nookie."
There are only certain words you can put in front of "nookie."
'Some' -- "Gotta get me some nookie."
'Little' -- hey, nobody says, "Gonna get me a 'big nookie'."
And like I say, 'good' but not 'bad'. I overheard my father mention "strange nookie" once.
He about barfed bullets.
'Nookie' is a guy word. It has something to do with relationships, but -- hey, you won't ever hear a guy say, "I'm in a relationship." He might say, "I'm gettin' nookie." Never to a chick, though.
Met a chick on an airplane once. She smiled at me. She asked me: [high voice] "Are you married?" Now, when it comes to matrimony, I'm a fanatic. I have never cheated on any of my wives. I keep trying, though.
So I say, "I'm in a relationship." Big grin on my face. The chick looked at me like I just swallowed an octopus.
You never hear a chick say, "I'm gettin' nookie." That's because chicks already have it all. If a guy is getting any, some chick has to be giving it to him.
Only, chicks don't say, "I'm giving nookie." That's why they invented 'relationship'. To give themselves a big word to say instead of "I'm giving nookie." When a chick says, "I'm in a relationship," it means... you know.
As a scientist, I listen to radio call-in shows. [high voice] "I'm in a relationship, and it's not working." Well, of course, it is too working. Only not for her. Relationships always work for the guy.
Oh right, that's not fair. So then some chick came up with another big word: Something that works for chicks but not for guys. 'Commitment'.
While we're on the subject of science, females have a monopoly on nookie. They have it all.
Males know one thing: They gotta get some. No nookie and a guy's genes are going nowhere. Guys don't think about genes. They don't have to. All they gotta think about is... you know. Which they do a whole lot.
Mother Nature gives females power. They have choices. All a female has to do is choose a guy, give him a little nookie, and -- wham! -- her genes are on their way. Chicks don't have to think about that a whole lot.
Males gape and ogle. They prance and strut. Males can't help themselves. "Gotta get me some nookie, damn it."
[high voice] "Not so fast, stud. I didn't choose you."
[high voice] "Go bash horns first. Make pee-marks on some territory. Build me a nest. I'll be watching."
So the poor son-of-a-bitch is bashin' and scroungin' to beat hell. [panting] "How'm I doin'?"
[high voice] "All you ever think about is nookie."
Television tries to be fun. The problem with television is -- hey, nobody ever says the fun word. Prime time, I guess you could say, is a "nookie-free" zone.
Same for daytime TV. "In yesterday's episode, Scot discovered his wife Erica in the boathouse with Brad. She was giving him some nookie."
We all know what Oprah likes to talk about. Why does she always say "sexually active"? That's no fun.
Hey, how about the nature programs on PBS? -- all those wildebeests doing "it." "Serengetti" must be Swahili for 'nookie'. Gotta get me some Serengetti.
Sitcoms -- if they're supposed to be fun, why doesn't somebody every week say the fun-word?
The Muppets might feature "The Nookie Monster." (I never said that.)
Even Ted Koppel could be fun: "Senator, what will your legislation do about teen-age nookie?"
[deep voice] "This is CNN. The Cable Network for... you know."
Religion is never fun. That's because you can't say the fun-word in church. God might hear you. You want to say 'nookie'? -- wait 'til you get outside.
Like, you've been good all your life, you're checking in at the Pearly Gates, and you hear this big voice overhead, "Aren't you the guy who said 'nookie' in church?" [Nod sheepishly.] "You go to hell!"
Which reminds me: I asked my father, "What does 'carnal knowledge' mean?"
He tugged at his Sunday necktie. [whispering] "Nookie."
"Carnal knowledge" isn't any fun to say. Plenty of "carnal knowledge" in the Bible, though. Church would be fun if preachers would say... you know.
God knows, nookie is fun. Maybe God actually says the fun-word when nobody's listening. Which is just about all the time.
One more thing: There are no words that come after the fun-word. Once you say "nookie," there's nothing left to say. Nookie.